Clarity

Well, after the melodrama of my last post I have, thankfully, been able to gain a bit
of clarity.

Since this is a public forum and I really had no idea anyone read my blog - (until people starting writing me with wonderful words of encouragement - you know who you are and I love you for it!!) I will not go into detail lest it come back to bite me....but....I had a little "discussion" with someone at work and well, we both
came to the conclusion that perhaps this job was not for me.

Well. Big. Sigh. Of. Relief.

It is cathartic to speak out loud a truth of which you are reluctant to admit. Not fun, fairly emotional,
but good for the heart and soul.

I am not someone who likes to give up. The idea of being a failure at something, becoming a behind the scenes, non-productive person in any endeavor ("do you want to be a curtain puller all your life?")
was drilled into me very early on as not an option. Now, I have failed at plenty of things, many times. But it still takes a lot for me to admit that something is not my "fit" and that I am not doing what I set out to do well.

That perhaps I do not have the skill set, talent, desire, bent...whatever you want to call it...to perform well in
something that I have chosen to do is tough to swallow and frankly it galls me.

But alas, sometimes it is what it is. I know I have limitations. Lots and lots of areas in which I do not excel ( and if you want to know some, I am sure Scott will be happy to elaborate!)

But come on...I did not interview for a job as an accountant or a landscaper or a physician. The title is
Communications Manager. I mean really, wouldn't those of you who know me reasonably well hear that title and think, "oh that sounds like Jacque?"

Yep, I thought that too.

So here is the rub. The title sounds like fluff. But the truth is that this job is the furthest thing from fluff I have ever done. And there is big a part of me that thinks that is ludicrous.

I mean come on, I am not saving lives here...not curing some disease....nor can I even claim that I am
making the world better somehow for all of my efforts.

I put together PowerPoint presentations.

I produce a weekly newsletter.

I write emails to share with 6,000 people under someone else's name.

And the pressure is just plain crazy enormous.

I cannot stand it.

That is another thing I have learned. I need to own something. I need to call it mine from start to finish. I do not want to have to create a document, and then have to send it to 5 other people so they can shred it and add their comments and make me revise it fifty-eleven dozen times.

Now that does not mean that I do not like to seek input or review - because I do - I value the input and
want to do a good job. But in the end I want it to be my work.

Good or bad, I want to own it and not do it for someone else.

What a revelation.

And let me tell you, I have the utmost respect and admiration for my peers who do this job and do it well. Because they are so very good at what they do. They are so creative, proactive, strategic and effective.

Of course they all have years and years more experience in the role than I do. They are all well-done and I am barely past rare in the experience category.

I am at the point where I know enough to know what I don't know. And that is not a very enviable place to be. Because all I can see is what I do not know.

And what I do know is that if working 70+ hours a week still does not hit the mark, then something is not right.

What a learning experience this has been for me in so many ways. I let what I thought a job would be - and the lure of what I thought I could do well with little effort - guide me to a really poor decision.

Leave it to me to make that jackass move in the worst economy, with the most limited job opportunities in the past 50 years.

Oh, well. This too shall pass. And I will look back and laugh at all the angst. Well probably not.

But, of course, how can I complain. I mean really.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I cannot thank God enough for. My health and that of my
family. A wonderful home and community. An active and loving church family and wonderful friends
to keep me going.

Oh and I cannot forget the fact that tonight Scott made the best ever bacon-wrapped Filet Mignon I think I have ever eaten in my entire life.

Ok, y'all, seriously? I could have rolled around on the plate it was that good.

Enough said. Life is good.

Onward with a smile to the Memorial Day weekend...with BBQ pork butt, swimming, and the Indy 500!

Balancing Act

I hit the wall last week.

I finally had to admit to myself and to Scott that
my life is completely out of balance.

And just in case you were wondering:

stress eating of high fat comfort food
+
no discernible exercise
=
rapid weight gain

My dream job has spiraled into just this side of a nightmare and I can
see no relief in sight.

70 hour plus frantically paced work weeks are the norm.

My body is suffering, my mind is suffering, my soul is suffering.

Worst of all, my family is suffering.

My kids sense the stress and frustration oozing out of my every
pore and their response and emotional mirroring of my behavior is
at all once infuriating and creating massive guilt.

Scott gets to tag along for the emotional roller coaster rides and you
know he enjoys every minute of that.
So I am just going public with this information in hopes that I
start making the changes, put the boundaries back in place
and strive to once again focus on the real priorities in life.

Pray for me. Wish me luck. Forward local therapist recommendations :)

The Get Away

The Currituck Beach Lighthouse

Scott and I took off - sans kids - for three nights and nearly four whole days earlier this week. Back in January when I was planning this little jaunt, I was really pushing for a trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Well, thank goodness we did not go that route (Swine flu and all that!)

We had a nice time in the OBX (Outer Banks, NC). It was the first time either of us had ever been. I KNOW! I have lived here nearly all of my life and had never been to that part of the NC coast.

Anyhoo, we kept it fairly low key, saw the Wright Brothers Memorial, climbed a lighthouse and took lots of pictures of a couple others. We had a fabulous meal in Manteo, NC and stood on the very ground where the first colony from England lived before they mysteriously vanished...over 420 years ago!

We stayed one night in a lovely B&B and generally relaxed and slept peacefully through the nights. We did not bother timing ourselves as to how long it would take us to mention the children...I think we made it out of the city limits this time!

Great big thanks, hugs and kisses to Grandmommy for holding down the fort, shuttling to and from the bus stop and day care and loving on her Grandbabies while we were gone.

Enjoy the pics! (click on them to make them bigger)

Looking down from the 217th step at the top of the
Currituck Lighthouse

Orville (or is it Wilbur?) Wright lying on his glider

Bodie Island lighthouse

The grounds of the first English settlement in the new world. Interesting...but not much to look at :)

Replica of the Queen Elizabeth II from the 15oo's

Roanoke Marshes lighthouse, Manteo, NC

Azaleas all around the White Doe B&B

I figured out the self-timer on my camera...finally!

The deck where we had a 4 course breakfast at the B&B.