Friday, May 22, 2009


Well, after the melodrama of my last post I have, thankfully, been able to gain a bit
of clarity.

Since this is a public forum and I really had no idea anyone read my blog - (until people starting writing me with wonderful words of encouragement - you know who you are and I love you for it!!) I will not go into detail lest it come back to bite me....but....I had a little "discussion" with someone at work and well, we both
came to the conclusion that perhaps this job was not for me.

Well. Big. Sigh. Of. Relief.

It is cathartic to speak out loud a truth of which you are reluctant to admit. Not fun, fairly emotional,
but good for the heart and soul.

I am not someone who likes to give up. The idea of being a failure at something, becoming a behind the scenes, non-productive person in any endeavor ("do you want to be a curtain puller all your life?")
was drilled into me very early on as not an option. Now, I have failed at plenty of things, many times. But it still takes a lot for me to admit that something is not my "fit" and that I am not doing what I set out to do well.

That perhaps I do not have the skill set, talent, desire, bent...whatever you want to call perform well in
something that I have chosen to do is tough to swallow and frankly it galls me.

But alas, sometimes it is what it is. I know I have limitations. Lots and lots of areas in which I do not excel ( and if you want to know some, I am sure Scott will be happy to elaborate!)

But come on...I did not interview for a job as an accountant or a landscaper or a physician. The title is
Communications Manager. I mean really, wouldn't those of you who know me reasonably well hear that title and think, "oh that sounds like Jacque?"

Yep, I thought that too.

So here is the rub. The title sounds like fluff. But the truth is that this job is the furthest thing from fluff I have ever done. And there is big a part of me that thinks that is ludicrous.

I mean come on, I am not saving lives here...not curing some disease....nor can I even claim that I am
making the world better somehow for all of my efforts.

I put together PowerPoint presentations.

I produce a weekly newsletter.

I write emails to share with 6,000 people under someone else's name.

And the pressure is just plain crazy enormous.

I cannot stand it.

That is another thing I have learned. I need to own something. I need to call it mine from start to finish. I do not want to have to create a document, and then have to send it to 5 other people so they can shred it and add their comments and make me revise it fifty-eleven dozen times.

Now that does not mean that I do not like to seek input or review - because I do - I value the input and
want to do a good job. But in the end I want it to be my work.

Good or bad, I want to own it and not do it for someone else.

What a revelation.

And let me tell you, I have the utmost respect and admiration for my peers who do this job and do it well. Because they are so very good at what they do. They are so creative, proactive, strategic and effective.

Of course they all have years and years more experience in the role than I do. They are all well-done and I am barely past rare in the experience category.

I am at the point where I know enough to know what I don't know. And that is not a very enviable place to be. Because all I can see is what I do not know.

And what I do know is that if working 70+ hours a week still does not hit the mark, then something is not right.

What a learning experience this has been for me in so many ways. I let what I thought a job would be - and the lure of what I thought I could do well with little effort - guide me to a really poor decision.

Leave it to me to make that jackass move in the worst economy, with the most limited job opportunities in the past 50 years.

Oh, well. This too shall pass. And I will look back and laugh at all the angst. Well probably not.

But, of course, how can I complain. I mean really.

There are so many wonderful things in my life that I cannot thank God enough for. My health and that of my
family. A wonderful home and community. An active and loving church family and wonderful friends
to keep me going.

Oh and I cannot forget the fact that tonight Scott made the best ever bacon-wrapped Filet Mignon I think I have ever eaten in my entire life.

Ok, y'all, seriously? I could have rolled around on the plate it was that good.

Enough said. Life is good.

Onward with a smile to the Memorial Day weekend...with BBQ pork butt, swimming, and the Indy 500!

1 comment:

kris said...

Oh my word! What has happened? I can't wait to hear what this all means!