Last week I learned that a childhood friend had been killed in a murder-suicide. Although I had not spoken to Amy in nearly 10 years, the shock and subsequent pain from the situation was intense. This selfish and evil act robbed 2 parents of their child, 3 children of their mother, a husband of his wife, a brother of his sister and an untold amount of friends of a beautiful, dear friend.
Because of my beliefs, my mind has been working very hard to focus on God's greater plan in all of this. I know, to the core of my being, that while God did not cause this to happen, he will find a way to use it to pour out blessings some how, some time, some place. But right now my heart disdains that image. How pathetic and empty it sounds to my own ears. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of not being able to say that last "I love you." To have a part of one's life ripped away so senselessly. It is so sad...and to say that is so inadequate.
As a parent, I rarely allow myself to go to that very dark place where my mind wanders about horrible things that could happen to my children. But when I do, I have to physically shake my head and shudder to force the thoughts from my head. It is overwhelming.
I know our time on earth is fleeting. So I am working my way out of the sadness. I know the road will be much longer and much more painful for Amy's family and close friends. I pray that God's plan for the blessings from Amy's death begin to show up now.
Today. I will do my part by working hard to ensure my friends and family know how much I love them, cherish them and want so much to live with them forever in paradise.
The knowledge that Jesus has taken Amy's heart and soul in his loving arms helps. But I still cannot stop wondering why....